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Angel Inside Me

So excited, so overjoyed, a new addition to my family I can't wait.

40 weeks you've been growing inside of me, we have a bond.

You loved when I drank juice and milk.

And when I ate I felt like I was eating for a football team.

We both loved and got super excited when I ate chocolate ice cream.

Going to the doctor and hearing your heartbeat for the first time had me so engulfed

with the rhythm, I always wondered is your heart beating fast enough?

But the day I saw your whole body and you squirming around in my tight stomach gave me so much joy. Yes, I experienced these same emotions with your brother and sister but I felt something different with you. A different energy, a different lifeline.

I made every day that you were in my belly count, I always remained calm and we listened to classical, country, jazz and rap music, but my favorite Tupac we listened to most of the time.

I read books and poems to you and you would rub your hand against my stomach when you liked something and kicked hard when you didn't.

When we found out you were a boy, your brother was so happy and your sister, not so much. I just wanted you healthy.

We had a big party for you and many gifts were given to you, clothes, shoes, blankets, car seats, strollers, memory books, and your first twenty dollars to save.

Days before you arrived we'd go to church and pray

for your safe entry into this place we call earth.

The day is here, I'm ready to give birth!

30 minutes away you are coming I can't wait to see your face.

It time to come out of your hiding place.

I can't wait to nurse you, bathe you, smell you, and most importantly protect you.

You're coming, you're coming right now I am pushing with ease.... you're here but it's silent.

The room goes cold, the doctor looks at your dad and your dad looks at me and a single tear rolls down his cheek. I SCREAM what? What? Let me hold my baby. The nurses take you away, all I see is a glimpse of your arm and its purple, I'm confused, disoriented and irritated.

No one is saying anything to me there are 3 nurses and the doctor hovering over you. I'm screaming, I'm crying, and your dad is rubbing my head saying over and over it's going to be OK. BUT it's NOT OK!!

The doctor comes to me and says you were stillborn, you died the minute you left my womb.

I take this as you never wanted to leave me and be outside of my body.

Your cocoon was your life, you grew inside me for 9 months for a reason.

We bonded, and we connected on a vibrant level as mother and son… as One for three seasons.

My blood, my cells, my aches, my pains, my highs, my lows, my emotional spirit carried you, fed you and once that cord was cut your lifeline was cut as well.

I'm sad because I wanted you here on earth too be a star, a rebel and of course raise hell.

I'm grateful you were a part of me for the time we did share but on that day a piece of me died as well but was lifted to a higher calling.

Although you only breathed, I believe a second of this earthly air,

that was all you needed to end the breathing of 40 weeks of wholesome quintessential air.

My son, my heartbeat, my Siamese twin you will forever live among the divine spirits that protect me. You are not growing in human form, but you are growing in spirit form.

Fly son Fly and be free with the Guardians and Angels of a celestial nature.

"The foundations of a person are not in matter, but in spirit". - Ralph Waldo Emerson 
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