In the beginning, I thought I was doing the right thing by not telling them what I liked, what I didn't like. My do's and don'ts. My hopes and dreams. I just wanted them to want me in their Life. I was just going with the flow, feeling their Vibe, feeling their emotions, looking into their wants, their needs but then I realized I'm not happy. Each time I express what I like or want, a twinge of rejection cuts my soul like a butcher knife.
I'm living for them, what I like or what I don't like, does not matter, we established that up front. I just wanted to be liked so I wore a mask, blocking my true personality and interests for a relationship. This became one of the biggest mistakes I made. They don't know me, which hurts, it's like I should have said this in the beginning:
Hi, my name is Nichole and I love to read, write, go out to eat, volunteer, travel and watch sunsets but instead, I'm stuck in a relationship with someone that doesn't know me or doesn't want to get to know me. Then I wonder, could they still be on the hunt? Are they with me just to buy time until someone better comes along, because I am only fully invested in them and I never voice my opinion. For someone who only cares about themselves, it's an ideal relationship.
I made it all about them and now I'm miserable. We are headed to the altar and I don't want to be married, Well not to them at least. Why didn't I say something in the beginning? Why did I stay in a relationship just to say I was in a relationship?
Why do we do what we do? Are we creating our own testimonials subconsciously?
Why do we not speak up and go with the flow or turmoil habitually?
Do we go through life with a person being quiet in the beginning and express who we really are later, in hopes they still like us or love us and we won't lose them? Or do we hang on to the relationship optimistic they want to learn more about you and your relationship grows because when it comes to love you have a green thumb?
Speaking up in the beginning in all relationships helps one not look like an ass in the end.
A table for two but only serving one is a relationship I will never Comprehend.
It ends up being a dead end when it's one-sided and you're not happy and all you do is pretend.